


Life After

by cinnamonbun3



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2020-10-20 18:22:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20679872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonbun3/pseuds/cinnamonbun3
Summary: Ash has felt like a monster for a long time, but after being found at the library he's slowly opening himself to the things he's able to do now.Without the constant threats he finally has time to heal, and to live.





	1. A Wish To Believe

Ash had wanted to die.

It was weird, waking up in the hospital. He had been so sure he wouldn't make it… But apparently someone who worked in the library found him before it was too late and called an ambulance. He didn't know if he felt very grateful. 

The wound wasn't too serious, it seemed, the nurse said he was lucky, he'd have to be kept there for week or so and he could go home. He wanted to laugh at the gentle way she said that, but he didn't. 

From then on everything was a blur, he didn't know how much time passed, it could've been days, or only hours, he didn't care. 

At some point the woman from the library came to see him, happy that he was doing okay. She was kind, sweet, and way too careful, so Ash did his best to return her that treatment, even though everything he felt was numb. He listened as she told him about how she worked on the library, and found him unconscious after checking if he was asleep. 

As news travel fast, Sing came as well. He talked a lot, apologized a lot, and promised to be back. Ash couldn't bring himself to answer much. 

It felt surreal. He was there, but he wasn't. He was seeing and hearing him, but he wasn't. 

He died that day, but he didn't. 

* * *

The hospital brought many memories. They kept playing in his head over and over and over, like a cruel joke. 

Being hurt specifically took him to all of those times  _ he _ took care of his wounds. All of the complaining, and banter, and whines, and smiles that kept consistent no matter where they happened to be. When they were in the apartment and he could let his guard down, when they were out in the run, but he still did his bandages, time and time again.

In a weird way, he had enjoyed that. He hated all of the events that led to it of course, and he couldn't be happier it was finally over, and maybe it was the fact that he was now so far removed from the situation that made it possible for him appreciate it, or maybe it was just because it was  _ him _ , but those small instances of being taken care of, he felt like he enjoyed those. 

He wondered what that said about him. 

The memory of last time they were together kept coming back too. A body on the bed. Crying. Leaving. Screaming. Reaching, but never meeting.

_ Sayonara _ .

It was torture. 

* * *

He knew the letter by heart. 

It was so sweet, and good, and caring, and he desperately wanted to believe it's every word. It was pathetic really. 

Ash Lynx was a monster. 

He had heard that time and time again, and proved it to himself time and time again. With all the things he did, the things he  _ could _ do. Nobody good should have the abilities he had, to know how to kill with such ease, to have carry so much blood in their hands. It made him sick just thinking about it. His monstrous nature was a simple truth, but Eiji seemed to think otherwise. 

He thought he was someone good, and worthy of love and protection. 

It was… Confusing. 

It made him happy, and sad. He wanted to cling to him, but he didn't want to taint him. 

He had promised he'd be by his side, but nothing good ever came of that, right? Look where they ended up after all. He doesn't feel the least bit deserving of all of this love, but he wants to be. He wants it  _ so much _ . 

* * *

Sing came back with a suspiciously wide smile, waving phone in his hands. 

"There's a call for you!" he said.

_ Oh, so that's why. _

He didn't know what he was expecting when he took the phone, or why he didn't look at the caller ID, but it hadn't been that voice. 

"Hey, Ash," the man he couldn't stop thinking about said. His voice was soft as always, and just like that all the walls he had been hiding behind were broken. "I heard about what happened, how are you?" 

"I'm fine."

There was a small sigh and it felt like he could see the expression in his face, intense in a soft way, with the sort of disbelief that wasn't disrespectful.  _ Let me take care of you.  _ It said. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah," he said, knowing they both could hear the lie. 

"Well, I'm glad to hear that." 

He saw Sing leave the room with the corner of his eye, and felt bad for barely acknowledging his presence, but it was hard not to get lost into this little world Eiji's voice carried him to, where he could feel comfortable and safe. 

_ Home.  _

"How's it in Japan?"

"It's good! I missed my family. Although they're a bit tiring."

"Yeah? Tell me more about them?" 

"Of course. They all have so many questions! My mom won't let go of me for anything, she keeps babying me! And my sister was worried, but now she won't stop asking me about America and if I met anyone there, and..." 

He was half paying attention to his words, and half just appreciating his voice, it felt good to be there, just listening to his speak, he missed it, he missed  _ him _ . 

"It's kinda weird actually, you know? After everything that happened, it's like here is not where I'm meant to be"

Oh, he knew where this was going. 

"Where else would you be?" 

And he didn't want to like the answer. 

"With you." 

But he did. 

"I'm not sure that's a smart idea." 

_ Stay safe, stay away.  _

"I don't think I can agree." 

He wanted to fight that, but couldn't find the energy. He felt small, and afraid, but hopeful, and while he felt nothing good would come of that, he also wanted to cling to him with his everything. 

** _Eiji doesn't exist to be your salvation._ ** _ _

But what if he's offering? 

"Ash? You're still there?" 

"I am, sorry." 

"It's okay, are you alright?" he asked, sounding genuine as always, it was almost too much. 

"Yeah, I am, it's just…  _ Eiji, you're just so…" good, incredible, stupidly perfect.  _

A deep breath. A sudden realization. 

"The letter."

"Oh, did you read it?" 

"I did, I read it right before I…"

"Take your time, you don't need to give me an answer if you can't" 

Why did this have to be hard? It shouldn't be, he had done so much already, this wasn't even anything big. Being stabbed? That's old news, isn't it? But that wasn't the subject at all. It was in some ways, but he knew, they both knew, probably, that the bit he felt the need to explain was what he did  _ next _ . 

"I was going to the airport, after I read it. I was going to go. But then I couldn't make it, and I was so  _ tired _ , and the library just seemed right, and all I wanted was to finish reading the letter, and have this last good thing, and I guess, for a moment I was at peace there. It felt like that was more than what I deserved already, and at least I had that piece of you with me. But then I was okay, and I'm here, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore"

Silence. 

Of course there was silence, what would he answer to that? 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid.  _

"That's okay, you know? It's okay to be lost," he said, so soft it was overwhelming. "And I know just saying this might not mean much, but, I'm happy you're here, Ash. I'm happy we're talking right now, and that we can talk again, and I think you deserve  _ so much,  _ I can't even put into words." 

Wrong. 

Wrong.

Wrong. 

He was wrong. 

It meant  _ everything _ .

"I want to believe you." _ _

* * *

The next day came as well as another visitor. He was getting a bit sick of those despite the last time Sing came ending up in a nice surprise. 

"Hey there," Max said. "Heard you were hurt, so I came to check on you." 

He was smiling, leaning on the door. It seemed he was doing well now rhsg everything was over, that was good to know. 

"I'm okay honestly, it was barely a scratch."

He snorted. "Of course."

Well, this was awkward. 

"What have you been up to?" 

"I had some time so I was spending it with Jessica and Michael! It's been so nice now that she's not trying to shoot me anymore!" 

It was his time to snort now,  _ of course _ . He listened as he told him all about what the three of them were up to, did some disgusted faces, but was glad to hear he was doing well. 

"Didn't take you as one to come here only to brag, but I should've known, it fits you," he teased. 

"I'm hurt by how low you think of me! I didn't come here for that!"

"Oh really?" 

it was just so easy. 

"Actually uh… You get released tomorrow right?"

"Yeah" 

With a hand behind his head, and an awkward grin, Max looked sheepish. "Well, I wanted to ask if you-" 

"Do you need help with anything?" he concluded. That's always why people come, isn't it? 

"What? No!" 

That was unexpected. "Then why?" 

"You have to start giving me more credit, you know? All of this lack of hope in me is starting to be sad," he sighed, dramatic. "I wanted to know if you wanted to spend some with me and Michael, at my place." 

"... Why? You said you don't need any help." 

"Just because? I like your company, kid, we're friends," he shrugged. "You said you're not doing anything for now, right?" 

"Oh."

"And I guess I'm a bit worried too," he added, lower. 

Ash wasn't sure he was meant to hear the last bit, but he did. He wasn't sure what he was worried about, the list of possibilities was big when it came to himself, but he didn't need an explanation for that, it was understandable all the same. 

It felt weird, to have someone awkwardly trying to care for him like that. 

"I didn't know you were that sentimental, old man." 

It was nice, in a way.

"Why do I even try with you."

It was tempting to keep teasing, Ash was sure he'd make him pout if he did. But he guessed he could play a little nicer back this time.

"Okay, I'll stay with you for a bit." 


	2. Not So Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash settles in at Max's house and slowly starts to organize his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took a while didn't it? A lot happens and life has been very chaotic so I didn't have any time or energy to write. I also didn't really have how quite literally for a bit, but I'm going to try to upload more from now on! This fic is not abandoned life's just complicated right now.

"So, what do you think?" Max asked, signaling to the room in front of them. 

He was faced with the apartment's living room, which was fairly big, and the connected kitchen. It was… Comfortable. All warm colors and an organized mess that made it feel cozy and lived in. He could see some of Max's things scattered around, like papers on the living room table and a jacket over the couch, and also some of Michael's things too, on the bookshelf and table and there was also some of him on pictures on the wall. It made him feel like he was intruding, but he shoved that feeling down by reminding himself 

"It's a nice place," he said. 

"Come on, let me show you your room" 

Ash let himself be led through the hallway with ease, until they reached the guest bedroom. It was pretty simple, there was a bed, a desk with a chair, and a closet. "I know there's not much personality, but that's probably for the better right?"

"I mean, I didn't want to say it, but with your taste? Yeah, probably." 

That got him a snort. "You're such a little shit." 

"It's my charm," he winked. 

"Of course," Max rolled his eyes and put the bag he'd been carrying with Ash's things on the bed — he wouldn't let him take it himself because_ 'you've just been released from the hospital, kid, I've got this'_. "Well, I'm gonna leave you to settle in, ok?" and with a pat on his shoulder, he left.

Ash didn't waste time getting on the bed himself, and picking up his phone. 

> Eiji: did you get home safe? How's it there?
> 
> Ash: shouldn't you be in bed? It's like 4am there, isn't it? 
> 
> Ash: and yes I got home safe, mom
> 
> Eiji: oh so he's got sass, huh? I see you're doing just fine
> 
> Eiji: and yeah it's too early to be awake, but I wanted to make sure you were okay! So please stop being a brat >:(

The smile that gave him was easy, natural even. He'd been missing that. 

That thought in itself was scary. This whole thing was. But he'd ignore that feeling, just for now. 

> Ash: yeah yeah
> 
> Ash: the old man actually got a decent place
> 
> Ash: gotta say I'm surprised
> 
> Eiji: that's nice! I'm glad you like it there. And don't be mean!
> 
> Ash: (￣ヘ￣)

It was ridiculous how easy it was to fall for him. 

> Eiji: brat! 
> 
> Ash: _so what? _

At the moment he didn't really care. 

* * *

Having Michael around was weird. 

He wasn't with them every day, he alternated days of the week now that Max and Jessica were on good terms, and lived closer, and shared custody. They all seemed happy about that, and he was glad for them, but it was odd in a way that made him have a bit of regret for accepting to spend some time with them. 

It reminded him a lot of when he had Skip around, in a way. They were both smart and quick witted children, both kind and mature too, although they led such different lives that they couldn't be compared beyond personality traits. Michael was overall a much more innocent and excited kid, he'd been through some tough things, and he knew some improper things, but he seemed to be adjusting well, and mostly talked about kid things, like cartoons, and games, and school.

Ash knew that he had expected they'd interact, of course he did, and he'd thought it'd be fine, after all the last time he was in a house with him the kid was nice enough, but somehow that still didn't get him ready for actually living with him until it actually happened. _It was fine_, he liked the kid, but it was also unsettling in a way he couldn't describe yet. He spent a bit feeling bad for putting himself in this situation, but supposed it made sense that his decision making skills weren't at it's best, after all, the time spent in the hospital felt mostly like a blurry daydream spent lost in his mind and suspended from reality than anything. It was true that he had started to feel more grounded by the end of his stay, after the phone call, but even now he didn't feel completely like himself, so it isn't as if his talk with Max had been his best moment. 

On the kids first day of staying there in which Ash was there too Jessica had made awkward small talk with him when she dropped Michael over. She seemed worried and sympathetic and he didn't know what to make of that really, it was a bit annoying, but not entirely, but also just… Weird, now that they weren't on the run. He was happy when it was over and now refrained from opening the door. 

Michael actually seemed happy to see him, and excited that he'd be living there for an undefined amount of time. He made some questions, and overall spent most of the day around him somewhere, sometimes talking, sometimes in silence, so much that 

Max had told him it was ok to take a break and get away from him if it bothered him, and while that was good, he had to reluctantly admit — to himself as well — that it was okay and maybe a bit nice to have the kid around, so he hadn't felt the need to yet. 

Currently they were making faces and muttering insults at each other over some stupid argument they had while playing Mario Kart. That was a thing now too, the bickering. 

Max took one look at them upon entering the room and said: "Funny that, I didn't remember signing up for two five year olds," 

That _did_ efficiently shut them up for a bit.

* * *

He wasn't okay. 

Didn't know if he'd ever be, really. But… This wasn't so bad. 

It was certainly strange to do things while not being in the run. Not having to worry about his safety or that maniac who had wanted him oh so badly. It didn't even seem real most of the time. It felt like he'd just been waiting to wake up from a dream. 

It was real though, even if he kept having to remind himself of that. That whole mess was over. He was alive, and free, and living this strange life where he spent his time playing with a kid, and could put all of his focus in laying in bed texting without any concern, and live with someone who only wanted to make sure he was safe. 

Fever dream of not, that wasn't so bad. Not at all. 

He might want to get used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for anyone who read it! I'm really trying to depict Ash's mental state in a correct way, considering his PTSD and other rental health problems. I don't want to make him be ok too fast because that isn't realistic at all, and he may seem a bit sensitive in this fic, but the theory I'm running with it's that now that he has time to actually think it's all weighting much heavier, since running for his life was a dsmn good distraction, and now he doesn't have that., so his only option is to process all that's happened and boy that's a lot.


	3. Family Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Eiji's side of the story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand I took way too long to upload again. O was having some personal trouble before, but I'm going to try to be more consistent now.

Laying on his bed, smile on his face, holding the phone to his ear in one hand, and that silly love charm he'd gotten before going for America on the other, Eiji thought he probably looked exactly like the lovesick fool that he was. 

"How was physiotherapy?" 

Ash tried to sound nonchalant about the question, as he always did after they had a talk about his guilt. He'd been getting better at that actually, as he progressed, but he had been really worried about this whole recovery business. It was sweet, mostly. 

"It went fine, I'm making good progress! It's finally getting my family off my back a bit," 

"Oh? Who knew mother hen himself would be so _judgemental_ of some love and affection," he sighed, for emphasis. 

"I'm not judging! I just don't need any of this," he wasn't whining, really, he _wasn't_. "And it's not like you can say you're any better!" 

"Hypocrite!" 

"Brat!" 

He got a snort as an answer to that, and though he was sure the other had some kind of snarky complement ready to add, a knock on his door successfully interrupted them. "Oh, sorry, just a second, someone's here," he said, just as his sister opened the door and poked her head through. 

"Got more babying come your way?" he sounded hopeful, the asshole. 

"It's just Atsuko so _no_, Thank God." 

She made a curious face at seeing him reply in english and now he knew she would most certainly not leave him alone about it. He motioned for her to come in, resigning himself to his fate. Better to just get it over with. 

"I'll talk to you later I assume?" Ash asked. 

"Yeah, thanks, talk to you soon,"

After their quick goodbyes he turned to his sister, who was now also sitting on his bed, looking like she might burst with curiosity at any second.

"So…" she started. 

"So?" 

"Did that work then?" she pointed at the charm. He'd honestly forgotten he was holding it by that point, and now there was no getting out of this one. 

He sighed. 

He hadn't really told his family much about his time in America, he knew Ibe shared some things with them, so they weren't completely in the dark about what he'd been up to, but even then they only knew the surface. His parents were already worried as it was, detailing about how he got himself involved in that big of a mess would hardly help, and as fair as it was for his sister to be curious, it also didn't seem like a good idea to tell her… Most of the things that happened. She was just 13 after all, so to her most of it would be too inappropriate. 

And then there was Ash. The best part of that trip, but the most complicated to explain. He was the whole reason why he stayed for so long, why he involved himself so much, why he got shot, and the reason why he didn't regret _anything_. He wasn't ashamed, but he didn't look forward to the backlash of that revelation anytime soon. 

But maybe… 

"It did work actually." 

Maybe his little sister could know just a little bit about it, about _him_, just the good things. 

"Wait, really?!" 

"Yeah."

"You have to tell me everything!" 

He rolled his eyes. "I'll tell you, but you can't tell mom and dad yet, okay? I'll tell them, just… Not right now."

"Sure," she shrugged. "So how's your girlfriend?" 

"About that… My_ boyfriend_, is pretty great" 

She seemed surprised for all of five seconds, before blinking and continuing. "Well, you got any pictures of him? I won't believe you unless there's proof." 

"Rude!" 

He opened one of his favorite pictures he'd taken of Ash and the phone to her. "That's him."

The number of pictures he had of Ash alone or with other people around him was actually a bit ridiculous when he compared it to their photos together. Even on the folder he'd made specifically for his favorites of both pictures he'd taken of him and pictures of them together, those ones were still a majority. He just… Enjoyed taking pictures of Ash. A lot.

"You're shitting me right? This can't be your boyfriend he's too pretty for that," she accused, only half joking. 

Eiji didn't feel like signifying that with an answer, so he took the phone back, scrolling until he found a picture of them. "Here, that's one a friend took of us together." 

It was a cute picture, neither of them had even known it was taken at the time. They had fallen asleep on the couch, hugging each other close, the position was a bit messy and it was clear that hadn't meant to fall asleep, but they seemed comfortable. It wasn't an overly special moment, but it made it as one of his favorite pictures of them. 

He could see her surprise as she looked at it, and to some extent, he got it, this was a side of him she never really got to see after all. 

"... It's not that I thought you were lying, but it's so weird actually seeing it."

"I know, right?" 

She kept looking through the pictures this time, thoughtful expression on her face. "You two look pretty happy together."

"We are." 

She smiled at him for a second, then shamed herself out of the semi serious moment. "So, how's he like?" 

"Annoying," he answered, without even thinking about it, falling back into their teasing even though the other wasn't there for it, making her laugh. 

"Really?"

"Ah yes, he's a pain," he smiled. "But really Ash is… Great. He's easily the strongest person I've ever met, and he may not look like it, but he's really sweet, and I think he's adorable, though he probably wouldn't admit to that one" 

They spent some time like that, just talking about it, and it was freeing in a way he hadn't anticipated before, to be able to talk about his feelings and be happy about them, enjoy being in a relationship without worrying about anything for a bit. 

"I'm surprised you told me about him, you never want to tell us anything that happened there, but I guess it makes sense now." 

"It's not just because of Ash, I mean, it is, partially, but… A lot happened there, it was a complicated situation, mom and dad are already worrying about it with what they do know, and I did a lot of things that'd give them a heart attack if they knew, so I'd rather keep the details to myself" 

They were quiet for a while, as she pondered. "I guess your relationship must is a lot more complicated than you're telling me huh."

"it is, not because of us, just… Everything else. I know you're curious, but I don't think I should tell you about it, maybe when you're older." 

"Now you're just making me more curious," she pouted. "But okay. At least you told me some of it I guess." 

"I told you the best part." 

"That's so cheesy," she made a disgusted face at him.

"It's the truth," he whined back. 

"Doesn't make it less cheesy." 

"Fair enough," he shrugged. "Hey, since we're on the topic…" 

"Hm?" 

"I plan to go back there as soon as I can." 

"Is that a good idea? I mean, I know Ash is there, but… Can't he come to Japan or something?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, not right now anyway. Something happened when I was on my way here that makes me think so, and besides that, I don't think mom and dad would be able to take that well right now, and one thing none of us need is more people telling Ash reasons why we shouldn't be together."

"You say it like people do that a lot." 

"They did, but they weren't good people," he sighed. "I know you guys are bound to get worried if I go back, but trust me, the things that led to me getting shot aren't going to happen anymore, I'll be safe."

"You're doing it no matter what anyone says to you, aren't you?"

"I am."

"Well, you've got my support then."

* * *

> Eiji: told my little sister bout us today
> 
> Ash: yeah? 
> 
> Eiji: she didn't believe I was saying the truth until I showed her a picture of us together >:(
> 
> Ash: hfidnskdj

* * *

The conversation with Atsuko had helped Eiji more than he expected it would. It didn't seem so important to have it at first, but now knowing that someone in his family accepted him and understood where he'd be coming from was reassuring. He couldn't possibly tell his parents, not yet. There was so much he didn't know how they'd handle, his decisions most importantly, but also his sexuality, his feelings for Ash specifically… Even if they were as willing to accept him being gay as Atsuko had, it seemed unlikely they'd be as understanding as the rest… His main concern was Ash. As much as he didn't plan to tell his parents everything they'd been up to, he didn't plan to lie or hide it all either, and that was likely to cause them to be hesitant of him at best. 

And Eiji didn't feel at all ready to deal with all of those possible fall outs now, he was already worried sick about about Ash alone as it was… Adding problems with his parents to the mix didn't sound appealing. 

About his boyfriend, he had assured him he wasn't after a repeat of the events that got him into the hospital, but even then… He still didn't sound quite like himself recently. Ash was distant and subdued. And after everything he'd been through that was more than understandable, it all seemed to be catching up with him now that he finally had time to be still and Eiji was aware that wouldn't be easy. He wanted to be there for him, and as much as they were trying their best for long distance to work it wasn't the same. 

Which was why he was going to him. 

And if he was honest there was a selfish part of him that wanted to go there for himself. Being with family was nice, and warm and reassuring in a way he didn't feel able to put into words after seeing and being through so many bad things, but they weren't him, and he couldn't talk to them, it was driving him crazy. 

He didn't doubt announcing he was going back would cause even more alarm, which was why he decided to do it in fact. The sooner they knew the sooner they'd get used to the idea, and the easier it'd be for him to go.

* * *

There wasn't ever a good moment to do this kind of thing, he learned, so when he found his parents sitting together in the living room he decided that'd be it. They were going to be upset, but they'd come around. 

"So, hm, I should probably tell you something." 

"Did anything happen?" his mom asked, as he moved to sit in front of them. 

"No, nothing like that, it's just…

I'm planning to go back to the US as soon as possible, and I thought you'd like a warning that's all."

They both shared surprised looks before his father gathered his thoughts. "You can't seriously be thinking about this!" 

"I'm not thinking about it, dad, I've already made my decision," and he was not willing to change his mind.

"But Ei-chan!" it was his mother's turn "Are you sure that's a good idea? Look what happened the last time you were there?!" 

"It won't happen again, mom, everything's a lot safer now, I'll be fine." 

"Son, we're both just worried about you, you haven't been the same since you came back, you're full of secrets now, and weird habits, you can't expect us to think that going back there is going to be healthy for you," his father's gentler approach was appreciated, but equality uneffective. 

"I know this must be scary for the both of you, which is why I thought it'd be better to give you time to adjust to the idea, I'm trying my best to be respectful with your feelings, really, I am, because I know you two worry, but" he sighed "That's all I can offer right now. I didn't come ask you for permission, I'm going, that's already being decided and you can't change my mind." 

They were all silent for a moment, gathering their thoughts. 

"I just can't understand why you even want to. I know you told us you made friends there, but can't they wait?" his mother asked, defeated. 

Eiji hesitated for a second, deliberating on how much he should tell them, deciding on a half truth. "Someone I met isn't doing so okay right now, and I made a promise that I'd be by their side. I plan to keep that promise, that's my biggest reason." 

His mother looked taken aback by that. His father, however, looked thoughtful. "And the other reasons?" he asked. 

"I think it'll be good for me," he didn't quite shrug, but it was a near thing. "I love it here, but right now that's where I want to be." 

"I can't say I understand." 

"That's fair, dad." 

His mother frowned. "I don't support it." 

"That's fair, but I'm still going." 

He knew it wasn't completely over, they'd probably press the issue again sooner or later, but for now none of them had more to say, and Eiji could breathe a little easier knowing he'd gotten over this talk at least.

* * *

> Eiji: I miss you ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡
> 
> Ash: Wanna call again? 
> 
> Eiji: Yes 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a nightmare aa  
I have no idea if the fandom has names for Eiji's family, so I'm coming up with my own, as well as the characterization, hope they're good alright


	4. Familiar Things, Old and New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash reflects on his life

Nightmares were routine. 

They've been for a long time actually, it was rare for Ash to sleep for long. There were some nights of course, they just were rare. They'd been a bit less so when Eiji was around — and he wasn't going to think about that — but even then, nightmares and restless sleep were a common occurrence all the same. 

The checking had been a new addition to that routine. 

It was simple, really, he didn't feel safe when he woke up, so he checked. It was always the middle of the night, he couldn't get himself back to sleep, the unfamiliar surroundings were something he commonly dealt with, but it made him feel more restless somehow, unsafe, so he got up, checked the house, made sure everyone was safe, and tried to get some more sleep. 

It wasn't a big deal. 

* * *

Ash looked around the streets, walking aimlessly. He'd just dropped Michael at school, which was… A weird thing in itself. Just a month ago he'd have laughed at the concept of doing something so normal and domestic as taking a kid to school, but this was the situation he was in now, and they lived together some days a week, and he was trying to make himself useful. 

It was odd, not being in a gang anymore, or running away constantly. He'd done that for so long that it didn't feel possible to do anything else. But here he was, out of that life, utterly lost like he'd never been before. 

He didn't quite fit into this life. It seemed like an act, like he was pretending to be normal, waiting for the other shoe to drop, the time where it'd all be over and he'd be back on the streets again. 

Just thinking about it made him sick. 

He shook his head, trying to wish the thoughts away. 'I'm not going back' he thought, again and again and again and again, in a desperate attempt to reassure himself. 

Ash had no idea of how long he stood there, trying to take deep breaths and making a poor job of convincing himself his life was under his control, but it had felt like way too long. He mindlessly found somewhere to sit — a bench in a mostly empty park — not quite ready to go back home yet. 

More than ever, he missed his best friend. He never really thought he'd get this far, he hoped so, but never dared to imagine it for long. And even then… if he ever entertained the idea he thought he'd have his friend around to see it. They knew they could die, were ready for it even, but to actually feel the weight of Shorter's death and have to keep on living, to _move on_… it felt wrong, somehow. It didn't make sense that Ash was alive and Shorter wasn't when he was at the center of that whole mess in the first place. He should've died too. 

And yet, here he was. 

But somehow he felt his friend wouldn't want him to right that wrong. He'd been one of the few people to ever care about him after all. 

<strike>Not like that did him any good.</strike>

He just wished he could be here to figure out what would come next too. Actually, he had a feeling he'd probably already know. 

He sighed, closing his eyes.

He was tired. Exhausted of thinking and feeling like this, but it was what he deserved, wasn't it? Actually, no, he definitely deserved worse. 

Before his thoughts could become any more self depreciative he felt something touch his leg. Ash all but jumped, eyes open wide, instantly hyper alert at the sudden touch, but instead of finding anyone nearby he looked down to see a small cat up on the bench with him, leaning against him. He blinked, watching as the dirty ginger kitten sniffed him. 

"Hey there," he said, offering them his hand. He let the cat take his time to exam it, before picking them up to properly adjust on his lap. The cat seemed to be content with the new arrangement, proceeding to make itself comfortable after meowing softly at him. It was cute. 

He spent a good amount of time like that, focused on petting the small kitten in his lap, occasionally making a comment, it was surprisingly calming. His thoughts were still complicated, but he felt the panic lower as he went through the motions. 

"You must be hungry, huh?" he felt a bit silly talking to it, but couldn't help himself. "You were pretty helpful, so how about I get you something to eat?" 

He would focus on that for now.

* * *

Nightmares were routine, yes, and he was used to them. But there were some nights when even being used to them didn't help. 

This was one of them.

He brought this upon himself, Ash guessed. Shorter had been in his mind during the day after all, so it shouldn't have been a surprise he'd dream about that night again. 

He tried to force himself to breathe, to wish the sick feeling away, but the images wouldn't go. Ash didn't know how long he sat there, eyes unfocused, barely breathing, but after too long of that not working, he forced himself to get up and start his usual routine. Check on Michael and Max, check the house, check it all over again to be sure, come back to bed. But even after that he still felt all kinds or wrong. 

He sighed. There was an easy solution to his problem, but asking for help was an entirely different issue… 

Looking at the time, he calculated the difference. It must be afternoon for him. That wasn't so bad, right? Acting on impulse rather than thinking on it, he decided to make the call.

"Ash? Is everything okay?" 

And just like that he could breathe a little easier. 

"Not really, no." 

"Do you want to tell me about it?" that was always one hard question, so he took a moment to think about how much he'd hate explaining his feelings right now, but frowned when instead of receiving the usual patient silence Eiji usually provided to let him decide, he could hear him speaking rushedly in japanese at a distance from the phone. 

"Am I interrupting you on something? I can hang up if it's better for you." 

He barely had to wait a second for the response. "Of course not, I want to help. It's just Atsuko whining because we were going to watch a movie together," he explained. "But it's fine, she's not going to be upset to wait, I was just explaining to her that we need to talk." 

"If you're sure—" 

"I'm very sure." 

"Alright, alright. Well, hm, I think I'd rather not talk about it right now? I just want to stop thinking," he sighed. "Can you just talk to me? About your day or something? Anything really." 

"Alright, I can do that, hm..." a pause "You know what it's actually pretty hard to find things to ramble about when you're actively trying to huh."

He smiled, just a bit. "Guess so." 

"I didn't actually do much today? Helped around the house a bit, solved some of things I needed for university… I read a pretty good book if you wanna hear about that."

"Sure thing." 

In the morning, he was sure he'd have a lot of unhappy thoughts about getting close, being dependent, and the dangers of it all. But in this moment he focused on listening, letting the familiar voice keep the nightmares away from him for the night, until he slept again.


	5. Chapter 5

Max watched as Michael rushed around the living room to pack the homework he left on the coffee table on his school bag, making a quick detour to the kitchen, where he'd just finished packing his lunch, to grab it as well.

"Calm down there, buddy, you'll end up hurting yourself," he called, following him to the door where Ash was putting on his shoes. 

"All ready to go?" the older boy asked.

"Yes!" 

Michael hugged him briefly, and after they exchanged their usual set of "Love you, have a good day at school" and "Thanks, love you dad" and a much more casual nod from Ash, Max watched the two leave. 

It was a funny thing how that ended up becoming part of their routine. It was certainly not what he'd been expecting when he asked Ash if he wanted to move in with them, but it warmed his heart. 

He'd been worried about how Michael would adapt. He was a good kid, but it would be understandable if he found it stressful to have so many changes to his life in such a short amount of time. After staying away during the ending of that whole mess, he'd been faced with two moves, as Max and Jessica moved closer together, the new shared custody arrangement, and then Ash's stay with them. But instead of being irritable or upset his son surprised him by being happier than ever. They'd faced some issues when adapting, of course they did, what with conflicting schedules and clashing personalities, but the kid had taken them all so far, and he couldn't help but be a proud. 

Ash on the other hand hadn't had such a smooth time adapting, but they were getting there. At first there had been all kinds of problems, from the overall awkwardness of none of them knowing how to be around each other, to accidentally being triggering. The latter had been particularly tricky, but they - him and Michael - were getting there. He'd been afraid that they wouldn't actually adapt and the kid would have to go out of his way to find some other place to live alone - because while he knew he was capable of providing for himself it wasn't that what he was worried about. But then they, slowly but surely, things started to change for the better. Ash still looked utterly lost, but he'd started looking for things to occupy himself with. He'd ended up helping around the house, offering to take Michael to school, since going himself made it hard for Max to arrive in time for his job, and last he'd been there he noticed he'd added small touches to his room. It was nice to see, and he was proud of him, too. 

Yeah, he thought, unexpected as it was, he was finding this little thing they to be quite neat.

* * *

Serious conversations weren't quite Max's strongest point, but they were a necessary part of well, life, but also of being a dad, and so he'd been powering through some of those in the last few years. Recently there had been quite a few of them, what with Michael's life changing quite suddenly, he and Jessica had sat down with him to talk about going to therapy, and now living with Ash he'd had to sit with him and have some talks yet again - because he deserved a say in if that was okay, and then he'd needed better boundaries. So while that still wasn't his favorite thing, he'd been getting some practice at the very least. And yet… Telling himself that didn't made him feel any more ready to talk with Ash of all people about these kinds of things. One thing was to face his sweet and understanding son to talk about getting help for his trauma, knowing it'd be hard acknowledging that his kid had been hurt at all, but that he'd be met with an overall good response. That was hard, yes, but he knew he could do. Now thinking of talking to Ash, whom he had no idea how would take such a thing… That felt so much harder. He wasn't a kid anymore, not really, but he was still so young, and he cared for him, so it felt necessary. 

With that last thought he took a deep breath and got himself walking. It was no use overthinking it, he'd figure out what he needed to say when he started talking. 

He found Ash in his room, reading a book. Perceptive as ever, he put it down the moment he noticed Max leaning against the doorframe. "Do you need anything?" 

"I was wondering if we could talk?" 

Ash frowned, his whole body tensing up slightly. "Did something happen?" 

"Oh no, everything is alright, no need to worry," he was quick to reassure, moving to sit in the space the other had made for him to sit on the bed. 

"What is it then?" 

He sighed, feeling sheepish. "Well, honestly, I just wanted to ask how you're doing." 

"I'm okay?" he answered, taken aback, seemingly searching for a meaning for the question, he added. "You know I'm mostly healed." 

"That's not what I'm asking, kid" 

"What then? I'm fine." 

"Look, I'm not here to judge or anything, ok? But… You don't seem all that fine when it comes to the mental health stuff, and that's very understandable, really."

He was met with silence then, and it was painfully awkward, Ash didn't look any more comfortable with the talk than he was. 

"I'm handling it, you don't need to worry about it," was the stiff answer that he settled with. 

"Handling it, huh?" he winced, debating on how to continue. He knew about the nightmares, triggers and weird habits, but didn't know if mentioning them would be the best choice… 

He couldn't, and wouldn't, finish the conversation like that. "Handling it" sounded painfully lonely. He knew he wasn't truly doing it all by himself, not with Eiji making a point of checking on him and annoying him into healthy habits, Max and Michael picking up on their end and trying their best too. But none of them really knew what to do. They weren't therapists or doctors, and frankly this kid had probably gone through way too much for them to properly comprehend. 

"I've got no doubt that you are, you know? You've a very capable guy after all, but it's okay if you need some help." 

"Like what? You want me to talk to you?" 

"I was thinking more of a therapist or something like that," he said, feeling relieved they finally got there. "Although I'd listen to you if you wanted to, we're friends and I'm here for you after all." 

"Oh." 

The silence was back, all the more painful with the anticipation. 

It was odd, watching Ash deliberate it, he couldn't pick up on what he was thinking, face blank and posture a bit awkward, but casual. "I can think about it," he said

"That's all I can ask," he smiled.

* * *

"So, how was your day?" he asked Jessica after she got settled on the living room couch. And half listened to her reply, half watched as Michael made a mess of himself on the kitchen. 

They had decided to take their relationship slow, both for their sake and their son's. He was happy to find that after things calmed down and they weren't running on adrenaline anymore they still wanted to be together again, but it'd been awkward. They had their past issues to work through, to make sure they would both stay happy this time, it wouldn't do to rush into it and end up breaking up again, not when they had a kid's feelings to consider too. Moving close, sharing custody, and slowly moving into their relationship had been what they'd settled on to prevent that. 

It was turning out to be a great decision.

"Are you sure these two know what they're doing?" her tone was low as she hid a laugh, watching the unexpected scene with open amusement. 

In the kitchen were Michael and Ash - who'd been convinced to cook by the younger boy after a lot of pouting - attempting to make omurice. None of them seemed to know very well what they were supposed to be doing, even though Ash had been the one to mention he'd made it with his boyfriend before - the thing that had gotten then there in the first place. 

"Absolutely not!" he answered with a snicker. 

She settled against his side, head leaning on his shoulder, and he followed her lead, holding her close. It had been a while since he'd had so much domesticity in his life, he hoped it wouldn't go anywhere this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might delay posting a little, because I've been trying to find some work to do and opened up to commissions (quarantine or not can't run from working and all) but but but I'll try to keep updates to at least twice a month!

**Author's Note:**

> I started planning this a few days ago, right after finishing the anime, and I'm sure there are other fix-its out there, but I don't think I'm ready to read any fsnfic just yet, 
> 
> So I hope you enjoyed my take on the ending. ♡


End file.
